


You Stopped Breathing (and so did I)

by theawesomepfanfic



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: GTA AU, Multi, Ray-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 21:28:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4035226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theawesomepfanfic/pseuds/theawesomepfanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In September, Ray sat on the edge of the cliff where he had lost Jack and looked back to that cold night in July, and found it ironic how sticky it was now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Stopped Breathing (and so did I)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EnderQueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnderQueen/gifts).



> This a belated birthday gift for like, the coolest person ever, EnderQueen. Happy birthday you big nerd.  
> You never said I couldn't make it sad.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZ_WVsP9RkE

The June night was oddly cold. The typical weather of the Los Santos day stuck in the dirty streets all throughout the evening. The back alley way he stood by was empty, as was the rest of the sleepy costal city. He chose to hide in this town for a reason, as people never asked questions here. He was safe.

A single street lamp flickered above Ray as he stood, and he rubbed his hands together to gain warmth and to attempt and calm himself down. This decision he made was one he had sworn he would never make, but at this point he had no other choice but to shatter that reality he had dreamed of. He couldn't protect himself anymore, not from him. A shiver ran down his spine as he thought about it.

"Ray?" A voice cut through the darkness and Ray spun around, and his hand wrapped securely around the knife in his pocket. A figure stood not too far from him, completely shrouded by the night.

"That's me... Who are you?" Ray's hand was shaking so much that he nearly lost his grip on the knife. The figure took a step into the light, and Ray felt himself relax at the familiar sight.

Geoff took another step, close to Ray and suddenly aware Ray's appearance. The younger man did not look in good shape, his eyes dark and red from lack of sleep and his skin too pale. The shabby tee shirt he was wearing was too big on him and his arms were bruised up to his neck, and none of it looked right. None of it looked like the Ray he had known, more like a shadow of the lively lad.

"Ray. You called me?" Geoff pulled his hoodie off instinctively, and he held it out for Ray to take and put on. Ray stared at the offering for a moment and then accepted it and slipped it on, taking a deep breath in of just Geoff. He hadn't smelled that amazing sent in so long and he felt a rush of warmth travel throughout his whole body.

Geoff’s eyes on him snapped him back into reality, and he focused his own eyes on the pavement below his feet to avoid their gaze before finally replying,

"I did. Corpu.. Corpirate, he’s going to kill me. I left him and he's after me. I need you guys to help me."

Geoff was silent for a moment.

"Oh Ray. You know you're always welcome back." Geoff squeezed Ray in a tight hug. Wonderfully caring and oh so perfect Geoff held him close, and Ray took a deep breath in and managed to hold back from just burrowing himself against the gent’s warmth and finally just relaxing. He knew he couldn’t do that. 

He'd left them; he couldn't just go pushing himself back into the thing he had destroyed. Geoff's hug was only one of friendly comfort, not the intimate, close hugs they used to share. Standing there in the chill of the night, he realized just what he had once had, and what he had managed to lose.

\--

One thing that Geoff found funny about Geoff was his odd obsession with candles. As far back as he could remember, when he had first joined FAHC, Geoff had always had candles lit in his house. One or two per room, and the scents always blended together so perfectly that wherever you went, your nose hit the perfect trip of aroma. Ray was sure that it must have been a fire hazard, but it was just something that was Geoff. Entering the home now and finding it devoid of the wonderful smells made him stop for a moment and look around. There were no more candles.

"The guest room is in the same place, Ray. The others are at Ryan's apartment; you don't have to worry about anyone bothering you." Geoff’s stabbing words hit Ray hard, and he took a step back. He knew the past would be brought up when he came back here, but he never expected it to come this fast.

"Geoff, you guys don't bother me. When I'd left after... After what happened to Michael... I just snapped and couldn't handle it. I'm sorry." Ray was as sincere as he could possibly be, and he stepped forward so that his eyes could meet Geoff’s and show him how sorry he really was.

When their eyes finally met, Ray winced at the sight of Geoff. Geoff's eyes were glossed over and pained in such a way that Ray felt like he had just kicked the sweetest puppy in the world. He regretted instantly bringing Michael up, and as Geoff poured himself a drink from a whiskey collection that had defiantly grown in size since Ray left, he tried to fix his mistake.

"Geoff, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought him up."

"It's fine. It's not your fault." Geoff let out a small sigh and took a long drink of his whiskey, lingering on the last drops as they hit his tongue, "I'm going to bed."

Ray grabbed onto his sleeve before the older man could walk away from him. His heart was suddenly thundering in his chest as he stood there, and he again regretted his rash movements.

Just fucking tell him. He deserves to know, he needs to know. Tell him, tell him dammit before you can’t fix everything.

"Ray?" Geoff looked uncomfortable and Ray felt another stab of pain. He’d completely looked past how Geoff must be feeling at this moment, and so he released the gent and took a small step away to not crowd his space.

"Thank you, again."

Geoff stared him down for a moment and then waved his hand in reply and traveled up the stairs, leaving Ray alone in the once familiar place that now seemed so far away from him.

\--

The sun beat down on the stone around the pool where Ray sat, dipping his feet and enjoying the warmth that had finally returned. Geoff was resting on a raft in the pool and was busying himself with some sort of magazine. Ray couldn’t help but stare at the way Geoff’s toned arms looked under the rays of the sun, the way his hands gently shook. Geoff’s hands had always done that, a nervous movement that Ray had always found endearing about him. When they’d first met Geoff had seemed like such a stone faced person, and the aspect had reminded Ray that he was human.  

He used to take Geoff’s hands when the nightmares would become too much for the gent, and he would hold them close as they quaked even worse from the fear that the dream was once again real. Geoff had seen some very bad shit in his time, and Ray had understood how he felt. As he sat there, his eyes trained on Geoff, he wondered who held his hands now that Ray had left them empty.

A car pulled into the driveway, and Geoff glanced up from his reading to make sure the car was one he recognized. Ray had quickly taken his eyes off of Geoff once he’d looked up, and he too was looking towards the car to see who it was. His heart dropped down into his stomach as he heard Jack talking away and Ryan’s gentle hums to show he was listening.

The gate to the pool opened up and Jack stepped in, scrolling on his phone and still droning on about business things. Ryan stepped in after him, with Gavin on his back watching Jack talk away with a sweet smile on his face. Ryan stopped dead when he finally noticed Ray, and Jack and Gavin noticed and followed his gaze to the poolside.

“Ray!” Gavin sprung off of Ryan’s back and ran to Ray, meeting him as Ray stood up to catch him as he jumped into his arms. Ray couldn’t help but let out a happy laugh as he caught Gavin and stumbled back, falling onto one of the chairs and holding Gavin in a close embrace.

Gavin shifted after a moment and grabbed Ray’s cheeks and pulled him into a kiss. Ray felt himself gasp at the feeling of Gavin’s lips on his own. It was hard for him to believe that any of the guys could forgive him for leaving them, but with the feeling of Gavin’s unusually smooth lips on his own, he couldn’t help but feel a rush of joy as he pushed back into the kiss.

“I just knew you would come back. I told them over and over again. Ray will come back. He loves us. You just needed your space.” Gavin whispered as he pressed his forehead against Ray’s. Ray smiled at him in reply and rubbed his nose gently onto Gavin’s, feeling so very blessed that he got at least one of them back.

Gavin stood up and waved at Ryan and Jack to come over and Ray finally got a good glance at him. His hair was still spikey and sun bleached blond, and he was just as lanky and awkwardly tall as Ray remembered. He was still beautiful Gavin, and he still had that wonderful smile on his face that Ray had missed so much in his time away. Beautiful, perfect Gavin.

Jack stayed back but Ryan came over, his face constricted and his brows pressed together. Ray feared he was about to get yelled at for returning, but then Ryan touched one of the scars that ran down his arms and looked him straight in the eye with just pure worry now on his face.

“I was caught in some weird trap by Edgar. Just, a lot of barbed wire and sharp things. My arms got the worse of it; I had to protect my beautiful face, right?” Ray smiled at Ryan, who let out a small chuckle before kissing Ray’s head sweetly.

Ray didn’t have the time to inspect Ryan as well as he got to look over Gavin, as Geoff came over and kissed both of their cheeks, “Come on boys. Ray said he has something important to tell all of us. We’ve been waiting.”

\--

They all sat around the small outdoor table, Ray between Ryan and Gavin and Jack and Geoff on the opposite side. Ray kept glancing up at Jack, hoping that the other man would return his gaze and at least acknowledge his presence. Jack’s eyes didn’t leave his drink as he watched the sweat run down the old glass and create a small puddle on the table. Ray’s chest hurt.

“Well, Ray? What’s going on?” Geoff asked, taking a sip of his beer and raising his brows. Ray paused for a moment, his thoughts running all around in his head as he attempted to find the best way to explain to the guys just what was going on.

It was almost impossible for him to do it. He already knew what their reaction would be and how they would hate him all over again for his stupid decision. He drummed his fingers on the table as all the possible statements flew around him.

Gavin’s hand gently reached from under the table and took Ray’s. He was filled with an odd sense of courage suddenly, and he took a deep breath before finally saying,

“Michael isn’t dead. The Corpirate has him and is brainwashing him to hate you guys, he’s going to make him into some sort of killing machine. The reason I left was to attempt and protect him, I distracted the Corpirate as long as I could… but he caught on.”

Everyone was quiet and the only noise was the gentle hum of the pool filter. Ray was staring straight forward, trying his hardest not to cry as the others seemed to stew over what he said for the longest of time.

Jack spoke up first, “What about the explosion? Michael was defiantly in the building when we set the C4 off.”

“Corpirate planned it all out. He had one of his men who looked shockingly like Michael go into the building while Michael was fighting him in the back. I was looking for him when it went off, and I saw Michael get knocked down and Corpirate take him… I could have shot him, but I was so afraid I would have hurt Mich-“

“Why didn’t you tell us this? We could have gotten Michael back together- we’ve thought he was dead for a year, Ray! A whole year and you never told us!” Geoff cried, his voice cracking at the high levels it reached. Ray flinched back and took a deep breath to calm himself.

“I knew Corpirate would kill Michael on the spot if you all knew. We all know about his… thing for me. So I took advantage of it and did what I could to help Michael. I tried to get him out so many times, but I never could do it, I’m just. I’m such a _failure.”_  

Gavin squeezed his hand tighter as the last words slipped out of his mouth, and he turned to face the other lad. Gavin gave him a gentle smile and squeezed once again,

“It’s okay. We all make rash decisions Ray, Jack blew up that building in the first place and Geoff gave the order. We all made mistakes that day, that whole week. What matters now is that we’re all here again and we’re all going to save Michael now, right guys?” Gavin turned himself towards the others and nodded at them.

Geoff took a deep breath in and gripped his fists together tightly before nodding back at Gavin. Ryan was already humming and following suit, and after a moment Jack joined in and finally looked at Ray, his eyes much more soft then they were at the start.

“What’s the plan?”

\--

The Corpirate had picked a very odd place for his hideout, and Ray had always wondered just why it was there. Inside an old storage shed outside of an even older bridge, the Corpirate had dug under the ground and created a network of tunnels along the side of the cliff. It was odd, but FAHC had never found it, and when Ray had told the location to Geoff, he almost shit himself.

“He built his hideout _underground._ You are fucking kidding me. I cannot wait to kill that prick and make that place all mine.”

Ray had been skeptical of their chances to kill Corpirate. He honestly just wanted them to get Michael and leave, but Geoff and Ryan both seemed dead set on taking the fuck down. The ride there was long and the whole time Ray stared at the window, his eyes locked on the landscape that passed by. Gavin rubbed his arm the whole way and it calmed him down.

“This it, Ray?” Jack pulled him away from his daze and he looked out the front window at the ugly old shack that sat on the very edge of the cliff, next to the entrance of the bridge. Weeds and vines were growing up both, and he knew the place all too well at this point.

“Yeah. This is it.” He swallowed and got out of the car, looking over the edge of the face and down at the churning waters below. It had been raining a lot lately, and because of this the water was fierce and roaring loud enough that he could hear it where he stood.

Geoff was talking quickly to Gavin and Ryan as they got prepared with guns and ammunition, and none of the three heard the front door to the shack open. Ray spun on his heel as he saw Corpirate walk out, Michael standing behind him and a whole handful of men still standing inside.

“ _Geoff!”_ Jack grabbed Ryan and Gavin and pulled them behind the car, and Geoff ducked just in time as Corpirate lifted his gun and started firing. Ray dove behind the car as well, grabbing Ryan’s gun off the ground and standing to fire back.

To his surprise the whole group was fleeing, dashing across the rickety bridge. He took off after them, watching Corpirate steer Michael in front of him. The others followed after a second, each grabbing a gun and running as fast as they could after the group. Geoff was yelling at Ray to wait for them, but he knew if he stopped Corpirate would get away and take Michael with him.

Corpirate’s mercenaries stopped at the end of the bridge and started shooting at him. Ray quickly jumped behind a beam, to catch his breaths and make a plan. To his right was the main path, and to his left was the old walkway, which was falling apart so badly some parts of the ancient concrete were falling down into the water just from the feet on the bridge.

He knew the walkway would be his only chance of survival, as the long beams blocked most of it off from the road. He took a deep breath in before jumping over and running as fast as he could, his feet drumming on the pavement and his eyes focused on the grass that got closer and closer with every second. He took a leap of fate and tumbled onto the solid ground, and he glanced behind him to see a very large chunk of concrete tumble down into the water below.

“Impressive. I knew I liked you for a reason.” Corpirate was standing not too far away, a sick grin on his face. Ray snarled at him as he got up, going to reply when he noticed that Michael was not at his side as he was previously.

His head was suddenly whipped to the side as someone punched him hard, and he stumbled away and gasped as blood streamed down his chin and onto the ground below him. He turned around to face his attacker, and went stiff at the sight of Michael standing there.

“Michael, no.” Was all he could say before his best friend and the love of his life dove at him with his fist back to hit him once again. He pulled his hands up to protect himself and blocked the punch but not the full force of Michael’s body. They tumbled backwards and wrestled on the ground, Michael throwing punches at him and Ray attempting to protect himself without hurting Michael.

A large boom shook the ground and Michael stopped punching him to look towards the source, and Ray followed him, tilting his head back to see the bridge collapsing in on itself and tumbling down into the water below. He was stunned for a moment before the realization sent in and he remembered.

Gavin’s scream cut through the air and Ray shoved Michael off him and attempted to run towards the bridge, but Michael caught his ankle and he fell back onto the hard ground. He looked up again to see Gavin tumbling through the air, his eyes closed and his body still. Ryan was falling above him and trying to reach for him, and Ray only caught glimpses of Geoff and Jack through the rubble and the members of Corpirate’s mercenaries that fell along with them.

He didn’t realize he was screaming until his throat started to hurt. He couldn’t do anything but scream as the four most important people in his life, the four people he had left behind for a year, the four people he wanted back more than anything, disappeared down into the gushing water below. He didn’t see anyone’s head come back up as the river washed the debris away.

“Well, that was unexpected, wasn’t it?” Corpirate was watching as well, a surprisingly startled look on his face. Ray was breathing heavily and kicked Michael’s hand away before crawling to the edge and screaming as loud as his already aching throat would let him. He screamed for Geoff, he screamed for Gavin, he screamed for all of them but none of them came back up. They were gone.

He started crying and really didn’t care when Michael came over and kicked him over onto his side and started to beat into him. It hurt but he wanted nothing more than to die then. Michael was gone, brainwashed and too far gone to get back. Geoff and Jack had drowned. Gavin and Ryan had drowned. They were all gone and he could never get them back and it was all his fault.

Michael slammed his foot into Ray’s face and he blacked out for a moment, and the still silence of nothing almost calmed him down. Nothing. All he would have soon was nothing, and he was prepared for it. As he came back to reality, he was surprised to find that Michael wasn’t still beating into him like one of his punching bags.

He smiled at the thought. Geoff had bought Michael a whole gym after he’d complained about the apartments not having enough room for all of his equipment. So Geoff had bought a whole studio big enough for Michael’s things and then some. He remembered watching as Michael worked out, how Gavin would dodge behind the bags and taunt Michael to try and hit him and how Michael always would in the end.

He coughed up some blood and opened up his eyes, groaning as the sun peaked through the clouds and hit directly into his eyes. His ears suddenly picked up on the Corpirate’s voice, and it was laced with fear,

“Michael. Stand down, that is an order-“ A loud smack cut Corpirate off, and Ray sat up a bit just in time to see Michael swing a second punch into the vile man’s face.

“ _How dare you make me do this!?”_ Michael screamed before wrapping his hands around Corpirate’s neck and just squeezing. Ray watched with shocked eyes as Michael physically shook the life out of Corpirate before tossing him on the ground and kicking at his body a few times in pure rage. Tears were streaming down Michael’s face and he was screaming with every kick before he finally fell back onto his bottom and let out a long, pathetic scream.

“Michael!” Ray couldn’t watch anymore, and the other lad’s head shot up. Michael faced him and let out a sob of relief and ran over to Ray and fell down beside him before yanking him into a very tight hug. Ray clung to him and dug his fingers into Michael’s back, trying his hardest not to pass out from the pounding in his head.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Michael repeated over and over again, his breaths ragged and hitching after every word. Ray relaxed his hands to rub them gently up and down the other’s back, trying to get Michael to calm down and just breathe. It was hard for him to believe that Michael had broken free of the Corpirate so easily, but then he remembered. It was _Michael._

Unbelievably perfect Michael, who was so strong and so patient. Ray almost hated himself for ever doubting that Michael wouldn’t be able to save himself, and he wondered why he had been so stupid to not tell the guys in the first place. Michael could have kept himself alive while they had found the way in.

But he had done what he had done and now the others were all dead at the bottom of the river and Michael had been hurt for a whole year by the Corpirate. He felt like the stupidest person on the whole planet and he finally let himself fall into a pathetic sobbing fest, his whole body quivering where it rested in Michael’s arms. He had made such huge mistake; he should have never even left the guys on the bridge alone. It was probably all part of Corpirate’s plan and he had fallen right into it like the idiot he was.   

Michael held him close and he cried himself until he had no more tears in him, and when he finally gained enough strength to explain what had happened, Michael cried with him.

\--

 Ray stood next to Burnie as the chill of yet another July night stuck all around them. Up as high as they were, it was hard not to be surrounded by it’s grip, and they stood close together and watched as a single light below shone in the water. Michael was back in Burnie’s car, as he had refused to come and watch as the bodies of those he loved were pulled from the depths of the water.

“Do you think they will find anything?” Ray asked, shivering and watching as the boat stopped yet again and the distant voices of Burnie’s fellow officers drifted up towards them, but never reached their ears.

“They’ll probably find that bastard’s men, maybe one of… of you guys.” Burnie replied after a moment, and Ray simply nodded in reply. He knew from the start the chances of ever finding the guys were very dim. The river had been so fast earlier he could only imagine where the guys would end up in the end.

“Can we still have a funeral for them?” He didn’t know why he asked, no matter what Burnie said he was going to have one, but something about him confirming they were dead was going to make it easier for him to believe.

“Of course we can. Ryan’s always wanted a Viking funeral, right?” Burnie smiled at him and Ray chuckled in response, trying to ignore the tears that built up in his eyes. The image of Ryan desperately trying to grab Gavin as they fell would not remove itself from his mind, and he had to glance away from the water for a moment to calm himself down.

Burnie was silent for a long moment before finally speaking, “You’re oddly calm about all of this. Michael, he is a mess. Are you okay?” The concern in his voice hurt and Ray smiled at his feet, knowing fully well that he was not okay and he would never, ever be okay again.

He went to reply when the light from down below shown up at them and someone yelled up “He’s alive!”

Ray’s breath caught in his throat and Burnie grabbed his walkie talkie and stepped closer to the edge, holding it to his mouth and quickly asking, “What do you mean? I need an ID. Is it one of the men I showed you?”

“Yes sir, he was caught on a fallen tree by his shirt, it’s Gavin sir.” The man replied after a moment, and then continued, “He’s freezing, we need to get him to a hospital, call in a helicopter!”

Burnie laughed and smiled at Ray before running to his car to grab his phone and call a helicopter for Gavin, but Ray could only stand still and stare down at the boat, at the blurry figures that were rushing around and the single figure lying on the deck.

He couldn’t properly breathe because he knew what had happened, he knew there was no way that Gavin, who had been passed out when he fell, would have been able to keep himself above water to ever catch that tree. Ryan must have grabbed him and put him there before he…

Ray covered his mouth and felt himself to cry again, and he dug his fingers into his cheek as the realization hit him hard. Of course Ryan would have done anything to save Gavin. Of course he would have. That was perfect, selfless Ryan.   

\--

Ray woke up in a hospital room, curled up in a chair in a hoodie too big for him. Michael was in front of him, pushing a coffee into his hands and brushing his fingers through Ray’s hair. Ray took the warm drink with a grunt of thanks and smiled at the feeling of Michael’s hand in his messy hair. The room was silent other than the sound of the machinery that was reminding them that Gavin was still alive.

“Don’t be loud, but they found Ryan alive last night as well.” Michael said suddenly, and Ray choked on a sip of the coffee. He looked up at Michael, who was looking down at him with a small grin.

“Why didn’t you wake me up? Where is he?” Ray hissed, standing up and grabbing around for his glasses. Michael held him still for a moment.

“Because you’d act like this, that’s why. He’s in the room across the hall, still asleep just like Gavin is. The key word is _asleep.”_ Michael squeezed his arms and smiled at him once again. Ray took a deep breath to try and show that he was not going to be as loud, and Michael seemed to believe him and finally let him go over to Ryan.

“They found him on a small bit of land not far from Gav. He’d hit his head pretty hard, but he must have got himself out of the water before he passed out.” Michael explained as they entered the room, and Ray felt a sudden warmth flood through him as he saw Ryan asleep on the bed, his head all wrapped up but his chest moving up and down in a perfect, wonderful rhythm that reminded Ray that he was alive.

He wondered why he ever doubted Ryan. He’d doubted all of the guys far too much in the last year, and now that he was getting them back he swore he would never do it again. He placed a small kiss onto Ryan’s cheek and held his hand tightly, swearing to himself not to leave his side until the gent woke up.

He had a strange feeling in his chest that he’d be getting Geoff and Jack back as well, and as he rested his head on the bed and felt himself slipping back into sleep, a smile fell onto his face as he imagined them all finally back together, and as Geoff wanted, making Corpirate’s base their own,

\--

Geoff was found that morning, still alive but barely. He’d put himself on a piece of debris and stayed atop of it the whole ride down the river, never once touching the water. The thing that had almost killed him was a deep gash on his side that had almost bled him dry, but Geoff was a survivor and had wrapped his shirt around the wound and kept himself alive until Burnie’s boat had finally realized that the lump on the rock had been a human.

Ray had cried when Geoff woke up and apologized over and over, and Geoff had kissed him and told him to shut up. Gavin had laughed and Michael had smiled, and Ryan had watched them with loving eyes that kept looking out the window. Ray knew they were looking for Jack, because he followed them every so often, wondering where the helicopter with Jack was at.

The helicopter with Jack, whom he’d never properly gotten to apologize to.

\--

Two days passed by and Jack was not found.

Four days passed and Jack was not found.

A week passed and Jack was not found.

In August, they found Jack’s body.

He’d died before he ever hit the water, a bullet lodged through his heart that had killed him instantly. He’d washed up on some shore by a riverside home, whose family had come for vacation and found the remains. Burnie had called them and told him he was so sorry.

Ray found that he couldn’t keep going without Jack. It was so stupid, with everyone else caring for him and everyone else there for him, promising it wasn’t his fault, _even though it was,_ but he could never shake the feeling in his chest that it would never be the same without Jack.

He wondered if this is how the others had felt when he had left them and when Michael had ‘died.’ He wondered if they got so many thoughts of ending their lives, if they had fallen into such a pathetic state just as he did.

Jack’s funeral was the point of breaking for him, as they all stood there and Geoff broke down and wailed over the casket and Ryan had to pull him away. He broke as he watched Gavin attempt and not cry as he brushed his hands over the wood and whisper something about piggy back rides. He broke as Michael just stared down at the flowers and said a gentle sorry. He broke when Ryan cleared his throat and gave a short, sweet speech about sharing the same voice with Jack, all the mishaps over the com and on phone calls with Geoff.

He fell apart when he walked up the casket and remembered that this was all his fault, that he had left them and caused all the discourse and all the pain, that he had led them straight into Corpirate’s trap, that he had never apologized to poor Jack who had seemed so hurt but was so forgiving after Ray’s pathetic explanation for his horribly wrong actions.

He shattered.

\--

In September, Ray sat on the edge of the cliff where he had lost Jack and looked back to that cold night in July, and found it ironic how sticky it was now.  Lightning bugs were buzzing around and casting their gentle glow over his face and along the water below, and he smiled gently at the memory of Jack catching lightning bugs for a sick Gavin who couldn’t go outside on the first night of summer.

_He’s not really gone. He’s not really gone._

Ray knew he was tricking himself into believing the lies, but he was okay with that. It was the most effective way to gain control over the situation. Jack wasn’t really gone; he was just not there at the moment and would be again someday. They’d be together again and Ray would be able to apologize to him for everything wrong that he did and hope that Jack would forgive him for making such drastic mistakes. Ray was a failure and he had accepted that by now.

_Just keep breathing._

Gavin had made him a playlist that he listened to on repeat ever night he came up to Jack’s grave. It was a bunch of happy, upbeat songs with the underlying theme for him to not take his own life because of his stupid choices. He knew he couldn’t do that to them, he couldn’t leave them like he had before, not after losing someone else, and this time for real. He was mad that they thought he would take his life, and that the stupid songs were so damn happy when all he wanted to do was just be sad and drown himself in his own self-pity.

_They still loved him._

His phone was ringing but he ignored it, swiping away the call and continuing to scroll through whatever feed he was on, busying himself with the funny stories and the cute pictures so that he wasn’t constantly reminded that he was the reason why. He let the demons in his head get to him far too often these days, and some he didn’t care and let it happen while others he’d find himself endless solutions to just ignore them, to just ignore everything.

_His coffee was cold._

He couldn’t count the number of times he’d gone to the same coffee shop down the street from Jack’s apartment this week. He hadn’t slept much since the funeral, as the nightmares were too much for him to handle, so he’d drowned himself in coffee to keep himself awake. The waitress there knew his name, and he knew her too. She asked where Jack was and all he did was smile and tell her he wasn’t home right now. He left her a far too large tip every time and a small thank you note, as that’s what Jack always did when she had served the two of them.

_My life is hell, and it’s all my fault._

Of course it was his fault. He’d done everything wrong and he had no reason to not place every single ounce of blame on his own shoulders. He should have realized his mistake in that July a whole year ago, when the summer was still warm and he could have saved everyone but he didn’t, because he was weak and made stupid decisions and hurt everyone in the end.

_He hadn’t seen them in weeks._

If they had really wanted to see him they would have come to him on their own. It’s not like they didn’t know he was camped away in Jack’s apartment and only left at night to come to this fucking graveyard. They could have easily come to him and so he didn’t go to them because he didn’t care at all. _Of course he cared._

_He’d given up on everything._

This was worse than death to him and he deserved it. He no longer cared to do anything but lay on Jack’s bed and stare at the ceiling and count the different paint strokes that Geoff had made when they had attempted to paint the room. He had told himself at some point everything was going to be okay but he knew now that he had been lying to himself, that that night on the cliff when Burnie had asked him if he was okay and he _knew_ that he was right. He was nothing but a spec on the map now, even though he had been so big in the months before. The greatest sniper around. Highest gamer score Geoff had ever seen. Now he was just Ray, dead inside.

_He didn’t drink, but he did._

In some last ditch effort to prove he was okay he went to a liquor store to steal Geoff’s favorite rum for him. Now he was downing it in the coffee cup that had long since been drained of its original contents and loving every last drop that burned down his throat and warmed his stomach in ways he never knew possible. It was easy to forget how much he loathed himself when the buzz came around and washed all his feelings back to some deep, dark place of his mind.  

_He’d done this to himself._

“Alright, that’s enough.” The bottle in his hand was pulled away from him and the cup in the other was gently moved out and set down on the grass beside him. He glanced up just as someone picked him up, and he let out a squeak of protest and tried to squirm away.

“You’re alright. It’s us.” Ryan was the one holding him, and he pressed a small kiss onto the side of Ray’s head and squeezed him gently, and Ray stopped squirming and just rested against Ryan’s warmth. Sometimes he could trick himself into thinking Ryan was Jack. Sometimes.

He was in the car and Gavin was hugging him tightly and whispering sweet nothings into his ear and it was nice. He thought back to when he had first gone back to Geoff and remembered how wonderful human contact he’d shared with him had reminded him how much he’d missed what he had had. Now that he had Gavin there and Ryan there, he felt that same feeling. He’d pushed them away again and wondered why he did it all over again. Tears pricked in the corners of his eyes and he felt them start to stream and fall down his face.

“It’s my fault.” He croaked, his hands tightening around Ryan’s shirt.

“It’s all our fault.” Geoff replied, and for the first time Ray listened to what he had to say. Before all he’d gotten was the endless ‘it’s not your fault’ and to actually hear someone else take the blame along with him made him feel suddenly so much better.

“Geoff’s right. We all could have done things so much better.” Ryan ran his hands down Ray’s back, “We all made mistakes and we all have to take responsibility, but you’ve taken far too much of it on your shoulders.”

“Yeah Ray. You’re the smallest of all of us; it’s not very healthy to have all that weight on you. Let us help you out, okay?” Michael looked back from the passenger seat and had a small, sweet smile on his face. Ray couldn’t help but smile back, Michael’s smile was just so contagious.

“Let us be there for you, yeah? We’ve got your favorite dinner waiting at home and I was thinking we could take a very nice bath after this, don’t you think so?” Gavin wiggled his brows at Ray and got a small laugh out of him.

“Yeah, I think I’d like that a lot.” Ray’s head was feeling clear again, and he glanced around at everyone and smiled. He’d seemed to have forgotten that they were still alive and there for him, and even though Jack was gone, he’d still be okay. He was keeping himself alive not to hurt them, when what he needed to do was be alive to just _be there_ with them.

“We all miss him, Ray.” Geoff said suddenly, and Ray had a yet another realization. Of course they all missed Jack as well. He was hiding himself away that he never once even thought that they too must have been just falling apart themselves. They probably needed him more than anything and he wasn’t there for them.

“I’m sorry.” He looked at Geoff through the rear view mirror and Geoff smiled back at him with gentle eyes.

“It’s okay, Ray. We’ll get through this together,” and then, “I think you’d much rather get a bath with me over that hairy beast there.”

Gavin made a squawk of disbelief and everyone laughed, including Ray, and everything felt okay again. He knew that it would be hard, but he knew that with them, with the four most important people to him, that he’d be able to get through it.

\--

In December, Ray laid a rose on forgiving, loving Jack’s grave and was okay.


End file.
